i think

my recent boy craziness stems from my eagerness to take my mind off of him, and to convince myself that i do not have the feelings i do.

unfortunately, i like him, and i guess i will just have to deal with it.

mischeif managed

I don't really feel like ranting tonight, but there is one thought bugging me that I'd like to get off of my chest. It stems from this quote I found on my starbucks cup on wednesday:
"Today our schools are just as segregated as they were in 1969, the year after Dr. King died. Race is the biggest challenge we face and we have proven unequal to facing it." (Julian Bond)

ok so my question stems more from the broader claim that he makes about race than from his focus on schools. this is my question, if civil liberties groups parade around declaring race as a social construct and saying it does not exist, then why do they fall back on it the second something goes wrong? ok now i know i sound like some little white redneck chick from the boondocks, but im not. i just dont understand how claiming something isnt true then basing an entire argument on the assumption that it is, is either right or logical. it makes me angry not because im racist, but because i feel it weakens our arguments for further civil action. i feel like it makes us look like idiots who want to take take take, when what we really want is equality and fairness. pushing the blame onto others and holding grudges, while all very human, is not neccessarily the best way to solve a problem. I just feel like our argument is so good, that we should have a comparable response, and not just, "its because im (insert ethnicity) isn't it?" Rather than arguing for the sake of one group of people we should be arguing for the sake of all, and if that means that it will take longer for us to be heard? so be it. I'll keep screaming until that time comes.

if you haven't already noticed...

a lot of my references are musical. well, i think that i pretty much enjoy music. and it is a pretty huge part of me.

wow, i am really spacey this week...

so this weekend...
was really interesting.

my brother came into town and we went to the bocktoberfest in shiner, which was hilarious. props to audioslave though. awesome performance. i loved it. :)

then, my brother and i went out with my friend and her brother. that was fun too. well... yeah but i decided something this weekend.

im done being bummed. im sick of it. im listening to good music, i have a couple healthy crushes, and i need to find something to do with my time. im thinking about working with a high school ministry.

this is one thing that really puzzles me. how, when i am so defensive of my own beliefs (or lack of them)do i keep going back to the things that i have problems with? is it because they challenge me? do i find some sort of sick pleasure out of it? probably not. i think the main thing is that i desperately want to figure things out for myself and the way for me to do that is to help others figure it out for themselves... if that makes any sense

so yeah, i think that is what im going to do.

If I could I would...

"Carry on you say
Bring the best of today
All I see is struggling on the way

Maybe when the sun crashes through the gray
I can find the strength to make it through the day
Through the day

What happens when all your dreams are lying on the ground
Do you pick up the pieces all around"

-Lifehouse "Chapter One"


It's amazing how much music can touch your soul and become such a part of you. I love music. Especially when I'm in a bad mood. Well I'm not really in a bad mood I guess. I am just bummed. There really is no other way to describe it. Long gone are the days of the happy posts. Wait, this is my uncensored journal so there are no happy posts. Well back to the topic of music. I love to listen to music when I need a hug. Music forces me to feel what I'm going through. It makes me think about what I refuse to think about. It makes me remember that what I really want to do is write. I want the world to hear everything I have to say. I want to make myself heard. I guess that's why I write on the internet. Even though I'm writing to myself, someone else is out there. There are some people who care. In a way, it's my lifeline. And I guess that somehow, I am hoping in vain that everything I write will be published. Oh stupid vain thoughts. I'm kidding myself about being any good. Oh well.

... i just dont know what to do anymore....

ok so i know you dont have any control over it, and its ok for someone to ditch you on their birthday right? i just get aggravated because its like you dont have time for me anymore. wait, let me correct that, you never had time for me in the first place. its frustrating to try to see your best friend and constantly be told that they're too busy studying or they are too busy doing things with other people who are more important than you. and i know im probably being a little unreasonable, im just maxing out. i cant stand alot more now. i can feel myself breaking down. i'm physically weak and tired. i do all my homework but its like im withdrawing from life. i dont know, im just so bored and whenever i try to do something about it, it feels like doors are slammed in my face. god im so hungry. why can't you just see that ditching people isn't the best way to go about being friends with them. i didn't do anything wrong, you just up and decided one day that it was too much trouble hanging out with me. and im pretty sure you can find just as many, if not more, examples of how ive been a bad friend. but the difference is that i genuinely care whether or not i am hurting her. all you care about is yourself. you don't take the time to think about what your actions do to other people. you dont stop to think about what youre doing. and its not like youre a bitch either, youre just indifferent. and i know that you are struggling with a lot of issues right now, but i cant help but wonder how much youre holding yourself back. how much youre just afraid of letting go and letting people in. your insecurities are evident all over you. how much time you commit to studying, you leave no time to actually live your life. you should be budgeting studying into your life, not budgeting your life into your studying. you hide behind whatever it is that you can grab onto. right now, its bio and stats. whats it going to be next semester? how will you hide from me then? whatever this is stupid. i care about you and i want you to be my friend, but as long as you wear your fear on your sleave and let it overtake your life, i don't know how much of a friend i can be. im sorry that life is hard right now, but guess what honey, life is a bitch to all of us. and believe it or not, you have a great life. you have a guy that adores you, you have a family that cares tons about you, whether you appreciate it or not, you have a brother who works to make money to come see you, and you have friends that stand by you through thick and thin. well you do for now, how far are you willing to push those of us that love you away? if you push any harder, i just might not fight it anymore.

ive tripped again and things are starting to get interesting

i may not know you now, and i may not ever know you, but i want you to know that you are and forever will be in my prayers for the suffering you are enduring now, and for the suffering you may have to endure if you survive this. i only hope that you do survive and somehow find the joy in life to keep you going in spite of the suffering. someday, somehow, i hope you overcome it. god only knows if you will.

think happy thoughts peter pan

the play peter pan is often not considered an artwork because it engages the audience in the dialogue when peter asks the audience if they believe in fairies. so exclusive don't you think? sometimes i feel just as ridiculed. one stupid thing. one little rule. thats all it takes to keep you from bonding with new people.

this weekend i went on a retreat that i was really looking forward to. it was a blast, well inasmuch as i finally got to bond with my wall-mate. but as far as participating in the events goes, i dont know, its kind of like, talking about your favorite plays as a group, and before you even get to say that you love peter pan, someone makes the adamant statement that peter pan is not art and that because of this, it is a horrible play.

i guess thats the way i feel when people state how horrible catholics are, right in front of me. well i guess people think im protestant because im white, but you know what? they can go fuck themselves, seriously. im sick of being thought of as less of a person because i am catholic. im sick of being told i need to accept christ into my life and be saved, when i have found all i need from my own faith. never have i felt so convicted as when i am exploring my religion and looking at the reasons we do the things we do, and the ways in which we do them. it gives me more insight into what god could be like. so who the fuck are they to tell me i am wrong, and i am not enough of a believer?

whew, i didnt know the anger was still in me. apparently its always there. i mean honestly, faith and reason work together. i really enjoyed the speaker though, i really thought she looked into things. and her analogies showed how much she really thought about what she was speaking of, because it wasnt a practiced lecture, it was her telling her story, using something she's passionate about to get her point across.

i just really wish, life weren't so complicated. in an ideal world, i could confide in my friends, in an ideal world, people would like me and appreciate me for who i am. people would listen. they'd be willing to look inside themselves and ask, is it possible that im the one thats wrong? ive been asking myself that question my entire life. its no fun at all.

and in a perfect world, i wouldn't dread going to my classes. i would love each and every one of them and not want to spend all my time sleeping so as to avoid all the people i don't want to encounter or deal with. i would have engery, and wouldn't be plagued by constant headaches.

but this isnt a perfect world is it? you do what you can and hope you get by. but there is still hope. because even though to some critics, peter pan is not art, look at how successful and inspiring it has become.

think happy thoughts peter pan
think happy thoughts and soon you will be able to fly