... i just dont know what to do anymore....

ok so i know you dont have any control over it, and its ok for someone to ditch you on their birthday right? i just get aggravated because its like you dont have time for me anymore. wait, let me correct that, you never had time for me in the first place. its frustrating to try to see your best friend and constantly be told that they're too busy studying or they are too busy doing things with other people who are more important than you. and i know im probably being a little unreasonable, im just maxing out. i cant stand alot more now. i can feel myself breaking down. i'm physically weak and tired. i do all my homework but its like im withdrawing from life. i dont know, im just so bored and whenever i try to do something about it, it feels like doors are slammed in my face. god im so hungry. why can't you just see that ditching people isn't the best way to go about being friends with them. i didn't do anything wrong, you just up and decided one day that it was too much trouble hanging out with me. and im pretty sure you can find just as many, if not more, examples of how ive been a bad friend. but the difference is that i genuinely care whether or not i am hurting her. all you care about is yourself. you don't take the time to think about what your actions do to other people. you dont stop to think about what youre doing. and its not like youre a bitch either, youre just indifferent. and i know that you are struggling with a lot of issues right now, but i cant help but wonder how much youre holding yourself back. how much youre just afraid of letting go and letting people in. your insecurities are evident all over you. how much time you commit to studying, you leave no time to actually live your life. you should be budgeting studying into your life, not budgeting your life into your studying. you hide behind whatever it is that you can grab onto. right now, its bio and stats. whats it going to be next semester? how will you hide from me then? whatever this is stupid. i care about you and i want you to be my friend, but as long as you wear your fear on your sleave and let it overtake your life, i don't know how much of a friend i can be. im sorry that life is hard right now, but guess what honey, life is a bitch to all of us. and believe it or not, you have a great life. you have a guy that adores you, you have a family that cares tons about you, whether you appreciate it or not, you have a brother who works to make money to come see you, and you have friends that stand by you through thick and thin. well you do for now, how far are you willing to push those of us that love you away? if you push any harder, i just might not fight it anymore.