shelving my sorrows away

so, i don't really know why i am writing right now, i guess i just need to take a breather, get a few things off my chest.

as i sit here in the library, my head is spinning and i can't seem to grab hold of one consistent thought. tensions are running high of course, but i can't seem to concentrate on the paper i should be writing or the notes i should be studying for my final tomorrow. all i can think about is the music playing into my head, my family back home, the pain spreading across my back, the pain in my ears from having headphones in all day, ryan and the ride we took last night, making cookies with liz... ok so that last one was completely random. but you get my point right?

none of this really seems important. i don't know, when it comes right down to it, i will still be me no matter how many pages i write or how many As i get. i also think i may be getting sick. no strike that. i am sick. and as soon as i get home, i am sleeping and drinking water and taking dayquill until it is all gone. and i might even take a trip to the doctor to see whats up with my back. its been hurting constantly for the past week. no... longer. i was having back problems before thanksgiving. oh god. and now its spread up into my neck. how lovely. watch it be meningitis. thank you jesus for your oh so generous gift.

haha im not being serious.

ok now its time to be serious.

ryan.

i can feel my defense mechanisms kicking in so i am battling with myself. part of me just wishes he'd hurry up and do something soon so that i can defeat my evil defense mechanisms that make me think i don't really like the boy as much as i actually do. it's a self preservation thing you see, i do these things so well that i didn't notice i did them until now. until i started doing it with someone i actually really care about and who gave me no reason to believe my impression of him was wrong.
i know i'm being really vague. its another self preservation thing. if i dont really articulate it, its still up in the air. god, why am i such a commitment phobe? i really need to get over that. the thing is, whats happening with ryan, it really scares the crap out of me. it really does. but at the same time, i have so much fun with him. i really really do. and i guess im kind of confused about what it is that i like so much about him. i mean, i can see why i wouldn't like him. but everytime i see why i wouldn't like him, it only makes me like him more. oh man, i need to get to work. i've spent too much time thinking about this.

peace