im done, its finished

i think i am finally at the point where i can say i know what im feeling: I'm scared. I am so scared in fact, that i get angry. and when i am angry i drive people away so i feel lonely. but really, the root of it all is fear. what am i afraid of? i ask myself that everyday. i am afraid of myself first of all. i am afraid of who i am and who i present myself to be. i am afraid of the disparity between who i think i am and who people see. but really, i'm afraid to actually listen to myself because i am afraid to hear the truth, what i am actually thinking and feeling. And so, day by day, i go on, angry at myself for not having enough self discipline to get the things i want, or do the things i need to do. and i get angry at others because i percieve them to be in opposition to me when in reality the thought never crosses their minds. I ruin everything that goes well for me because i am too afraid to put myself out there and get rejected. so instead, i sit idly by and wait till i am not really personally rejected but until i hear what i want to hear, that i would be rejected in the end. i do this to myself, with my family, with friends, even with love. i feel so much but i wont let anyone close enough to share it with me. i go so far as to deny it is even there. so one day, will i finally be able to defeat the monster that i have become, or will i go on forever sabotaging all my own worthwhile relationships until the only person i have left to talk and listen to is myself? i guess i better start listening to myself now before i become the person i fear the most.
but really, what am i doing here now? i'm beating myself up. that can't help, because if i am really going to listen to myself i need to be able to trust myself. oh what a weird and paradoxical conversation this is.
i dont know, lately, i have been really questioning, well everything practically. not only am i afraid of myself but i am afraid of losing control so much so that i will not let myself believe in anything. i wont even let myself bellieve in god. why do i take these classes, why do i go to these things if i dont believe in it? and why, when i go home and go to church do i feel such emotion and sadness when i think about jesus and god? is it because i really do still follow them but i am just lost right now? but if i am lost, how did i get that way? it cant just be that my grandpa died. no i think what it is is that i have finally been forced to face my biggest fear: pain. i have finally been forced to feel all that i have been wishing since i was a kid i couldnt feel. and now, the pain is so overwhelming that i can't even bring myself to talk about it. its not that i dont want to, its just that i cant. last year i was so wrapped up in myself i didnt even let myself feel anything when they told me my grandpa had cancer. everyday i think im about to lose it. at night, i cry myself to sleep not because of boys or gunner or my grandpa. really im crying because i dont know how else to deal with all the crap i've left behind.
i was wrong to think that when i came to college all my problems from the summer would go away. all i did was bottle them up inside until i couldn't take it anymore. and now, i find myself feeling like im in middle school again, pretending im happy and that life is swell when really all i want to do is curl up in a ball. i refuse to be pathetic this semester but after two days of trying i am already exhausted. im tired of hiding from myself. what i need to do is find some space of my own and just sit and face god. i need to face him like i did before all this lighthouse and the well crap. i need to just sit and look him straight in the eye and lay it all out on the table. maybe then, i can begin to listen to myslef and sort everything out. and then maybe i finally take what is mine. and live happy and breathe freely again. maybe.