friends-cant live with em, cant live without em

So today I pretty much did nothing all day, but it was the end of a few of my classes so I think I'm pretty much good. I don't really know. I don't know honestly. But wow, tonight was interesting. Alicia and I talked forever. About everything. but now i must get back to work on my paper
have a nice night. :)

oh man

ok so i guess lately... i dont know things have been weird.
today, in philosophy we discussed faith. what is faith?
according to kierkegaard (sp?) faith requires doubt.
alot of people in my class had trouble with this idea, but i see how it fits. of course, i think he is leaving other factors out, but for the most part i get it. let me explain....
one guy said today that because he saw faith as something that is comforting and peaceful, he did not understand how doubt could be a requirement of faith. to be always discouraged is not a comforting feeling. but the thing is...
when you doubt, you question, and questioning is a GOOD thing. doubt only causes turmoil when fear is involved. doubt makes us uneasy because we are AFRAID of being wrong. Kierkegaard isnt saying that we should be afraid all the time. he is saying that we should question and doubt and seek the TRUTH or whatever you refer to it as, because no one here on earth seems to know exactly what it is. Only God does. And faith in God is a journey. You must ask questions, be a student, learn, be interested. Once you stop and decide that you are RIGHT that this what you BELIEVE, then you elevate faith above doubt.
According to Kierkegaard, faith elevates the individual, so elevating faith itself is just... wierd.... not natural, i mean come on, picture it in your head.
but seriously, once you stop questioning, you stop learning, and you become ignorant of everyone and everything around you. The world isn't meant for you to IGNORE. It's meant for you to EXPORE. (ok i know the caps are a little distracting, but its for emphasis. Go with me on this. :)) Ceasing to Question means ceasing to yearn to understand. You no longer have faith because you are assuming that YOU are right. You are so BLIND that you become judgemental.
When Kierkegaard says that faith requires doubt, its more like saying that hope that what you believe is right but recognize that you may be wrong. Be careful about putting things on pedestals when they don't deserve to be there.
Faith is about persisting through your doubt, but always carrying it with you. its kindof like saying that there will always be a little bad to go with the good.
NEVER STOP QUESTIONING. when you do, you will become someone you never wanted to be. you will ignore the world around you and think that you are somehow better than everyone else because they JUST DONT GET IT! but we need to learn how to not do that. because by doing that, we fall into the same trap that those that judge us do.
Faith is a choice, like Trust and other things. they are concious choices that people are too scared to admit they are making. even i am.
but oh well
such is life right?

chemotherapy

wow... so i found out tonight that as soon as i get home in may, abs and i are driving to north dakota by ourselves to help out our grandparents with things, basically with anything. i dont know how long we'll be there. probably just long enough till things start to become routine. wow. the part that excites me is driving 1600 miles with my sister and best friend. the part that scares me is the chemo. my grandpa has to have chemotherapy because of the cancer he has... which is ironically not related in any way to the cigarettes he has been smoking forever. i dont know. things are just... frantic. yeah thats the best way to explain things. but now, i am going to get back to work because if i keep putting it off, things will just get worse :(

i just love being ignored

i know that i just updated but yeah i am totally being ignored here. its like 1st semester all over again... i hate this..
why do people think that you can reach a point where you no longer question? life will always provide as many questions as it provides answers. and doesnt anyone ever just want to scream at the world: you are all fucked up!!! there is no fucking God!!! there is no fucking hope, and god has no fucking will?? if he did, then why? why the hell?
and im sorry but i dont understand how people can be unwaivering, how they can be unquestioning. why do people immediately believe what they are told? gah! why does all this talk about what God wants make me so angry, why does it make me so frustrated? why does talk of god in general make me angry? because the people i talk to are so dead set and close minded. god that fucking pisses me off. oh man! i need to calm down.
blah....