"Is there anything better than to be longing for something when you know it is within reach?" Greta Garbo

I am so confused.

But for once, it is a good thing. I am not going to overthink this. Erin is my name and relaxation is my game. haha. right.

what do you do when........

when you destroyed something and may have the opportunity to do it again? you wouldn't destroy it would you? you'd want to save it. its something that you regretted breaking up and you didn't realize you'd done it till it was too late.

what do you do then?

and what if you don't know if the opportunity is there? should you assume its not? should you go for it, just reach in and grab it? or should you pine away for it, waiting for the opportunity to present itself?

if there's one thing i've learned it's that you can't live by two conflicting ideas. in the end you end up confused and defeated. but how do you choose which idea to live by? Carpe Diem or Timing Is Everything? is there a happy medium? i don't think so. I've spent my entire life looking for it and have proven myself to be nothing more than a horse's ass.

random, i know.

where does greta garbo come in?

i want to believe that this opportunity is within reach. but i have no way of knowing for sure. it's hard for me to trust my instincts after being wrong so many times.

i know what i want to do but the only question is if i can. my ability isn't a question of outside forces, but if i can bring myself to do it.

choices choices.

i hate the way you make me feel

i hate that you make me hate myself

oh please...

i am exhausted. i really am. and i am stressed out. im fat too. people don't believe me but its true. oh well. i think i'm going home for easter... which is good.

hopefully i can get everything done though. i have two huge papers due next week and then i have a presentation next tuesday. wednesday i go polling again as soon as i get out of class, and thursday i leave for el paso. well... come to think of it, i don't have to leave at 2, i could possibly leave earlier, depending on when i'm ready to go.

wednesday night, i am going to cowboys i think.... maybe not, because i have a group presentation to work on. i also have a presentation for my sociology of religion class on monday.

oh boy this week is hell. i'm missing my movie tomorrow night too. (its for class).

and all of this, according to john august is crap. and it will ruin me later on in life.

i think i disagree. i mean, everything i post is an extension of myself, and i don't think it's at all wrong to be human. and yes, there are times when professionalism should come into play, but on personal blogs that (yes are even open to public eyes) are personal creations, i don't think we should be solely looking for professional thoughts.

if this is what people find of me when i'm gone, and it's all that i have left, hopefully, from it, they will learn about not only the achievements i have made professionally but of the kind of life i lived and of the person i am.

don't get me wrong. I really liked john august's lecture. it was awesome actually, but i think there is more to life than what we do professionally.

oh well, i guess i will go now

the eternal idealist.

my wrist really hurts..

it hasn't hrt this bad in a while... quite a while. i tried putting pressure on it but no, it doesn't help. oh well. i guess thats what i get right?

oh man. i can't type right now.

the friends thing

Recently, I wrote a short story (that granted, was by no means short) about friends, and the type of love between them. I don't really know if I believe it. I mean, I did, but now.... I just don't know. I say that a lot, I need to come up with something else.
Last night, I went to a movie. The Protocols of Zion. It was interesting. But, it was also weird. I went with Ryan. And I thought, hey I can do this. I can be his friend. This is good. But then, during the movie, I (it wasn't a romantic movie. Far from it--documentary) I just fell again is the best way to put it. Except this time, it was more comfortable, not so jumpy or squirmy. Had I been close enough, I would have put my head on his shoulder. Why didn't I? Because I refuse to read into things. He doesn't like me, at least, not in the same way that I like him.
but anyway this is silly. look at me going on like this. stupid valentine's day.

my grandma has alzheimer's.

the open door

I don't know what to do anymore
I don't know who I am.
If you find the way, open the door
So I can follow the lamb

"You are not worthless,
You are proud and strong"
But traveling this path,
The days seem long.

I focus my eyes
So that I might see
The open door
Ahead of me

As I reach the door
That I've sought for so long
I look at the path behind me
Wondering where I went wrong

For at tthe end of my journey
I expected to see
Your wonderful face
waiting for me

But now here I stand,
I'm left looking around
fretful because
You're nowhere to be found

So maybe this choice
was not meant to be
But there's no turning back
There's nothing left for me

Now I must turn my gaze
To look straight ahead
Into the maze
that fills me with dread

I've lost my lamb
because I've waited too long
And though I don't want to
I'll have to go it alone.

i dont know...

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I honestly, honestly I feel stuck. And I don't really know if it's because I don't feel well or if its for more shallow, self absorbed reasons. I mean I could say that I'm upset because someone doesn't like me, but what's that? that's a horrible reason. I guess I just have to let go and roll with the punches. And I'm really trying to, it's just hard not to be emotional sometimes. It's hard to contain my screams when someone's being an ass. I just want to yell, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Maybe I should be asking myself that same question.... what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not over it am I? I mean I try to rationalize my way out of it and look at me, I'm left with a mess, a total mess. Why is it that it bugs me? I know, deep inside, I know. It's not any of the reasons I've said so far, its not that he doesn't like me, it's not that I need some space, it's not that I don't like him. The reason I am being a complete jerk not only to him but to everyone around me, is because I did like him. And not only did I like him, but I was a fool. I mean, I'm not dumb, I am not an idiot, or at least I'd like to think so. I just keep beating myself up about all of this because I cannot believe I was so stupid. How could I be so naive? Of course he never really liked me. of course nothing was ever going on... but then, it just doesn't make sense. and that's why I'm frustrated. I am so confused and angry with myself that I just can't be civil. I don't know, I mean I guess I should talk to him, and sort it all out, but how embarrassing is that? Excuse me, did you ever like me? Could you please explain to me what last semester was, so that I can finally move on with my life? I just need to know. thanks.

Oh my god, I need to get over this. I really do, I just don't know how.