i dont know...

I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I honestly, honestly I feel stuck. And I don't really know if it's because I don't feel well or if its for more shallow, self absorbed reasons. I mean I could say that I'm upset because someone doesn't like me, but what's that? that's a horrible reason. I guess I just have to let go and roll with the punches. And I'm really trying to, it's just hard not to be emotional sometimes. It's hard to contain my screams when someone's being an ass. I just want to yell, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Maybe I should be asking myself that same question.... what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm not over it am I? I mean I try to rationalize my way out of it and look at me, I'm left with a mess, a total mess. Why is it that it bugs me? I know, deep inside, I know. It's not any of the reasons I've said so far, its not that he doesn't like me, it's not that I need some space, it's not that I don't like him. The reason I am being a complete jerk not only to him but to everyone around me, is because I did like him. And not only did I like him, but I was a fool. I mean, I'm not dumb, I am not an idiot, or at least I'd like to think so. I just keep beating myself up about all of this because I cannot believe I was so stupid. How could I be so naive? Of course he never really liked me. of course nothing was ever going on... but then, it just doesn't make sense. and that's why I'm frustrated. I am so confused and angry with myself that I just can't be civil. I don't know, I mean I guess I should talk to him, and sort it all out, but how embarrassing is that? Excuse me, did you ever like me? Could you please explain to me what last semester was, so that I can finally move on with my life? I just need to know. thanks.

Oh my god, I need to get over this. I really do, I just don't know how.

im done, its finished

i think i am finally at the point where i can say i know what im feeling: I'm scared. I am so scared in fact, that i get angry. and when i am angry i drive people away so i feel lonely. but really, the root of it all is fear. what am i afraid of? i ask myself that everyday. i am afraid of myself first of all. i am afraid of who i am and who i present myself to be. i am afraid of the disparity between who i think i am and who people see. but really, i'm afraid to actually listen to myself because i am afraid to hear the truth, what i am actually thinking and feeling. And so, day by day, i go on, angry at myself for not having enough self discipline to get the things i want, or do the things i need to do. and i get angry at others because i percieve them to be in opposition to me when in reality the thought never crosses their minds. I ruin everything that goes well for me because i am too afraid to put myself out there and get rejected. so instead, i sit idly by and wait till i am not really personally rejected but until i hear what i want to hear, that i would be rejected in the end. i do this to myself, with my family, with friends, even with love. i feel so much but i wont let anyone close enough to share it with me. i go so far as to deny it is even there. so one day, will i finally be able to defeat the monster that i have become, or will i go on forever sabotaging all my own worthwhile relationships until the only person i have left to talk and listen to is myself? i guess i better start listening to myself now before i become the person i fear the most.
but really, what am i doing here now? i'm beating myself up. that can't help, because if i am really going to listen to myself i need to be able to trust myself. oh what a weird and paradoxical conversation this is.
i dont know, lately, i have been really questioning, well everything practically. not only am i afraid of myself but i am afraid of losing control so much so that i will not let myself believe in anything. i wont even let myself bellieve in god. why do i take these classes, why do i go to these things if i dont believe in it? and why, when i go home and go to church do i feel such emotion and sadness when i think about jesus and god? is it because i really do still follow them but i am just lost right now? but if i am lost, how did i get that way? it cant just be that my grandpa died. no i think what it is is that i have finally been forced to face my biggest fear: pain. i have finally been forced to feel all that i have been wishing since i was a kid i couldnt feel. and now, the pain is so overwhelming that i can't even bring myself to talk about it. its not that i dont want to, its just that i cant. last year i was so wrapped up in myself i didnt even let myself feel anything when they told me my grandpa had cancer. everyday i think im about to lose it. at night, i cry myself to sleep not because of boys or gunner or my grandpa. really im crying because i dont know how else to deal with all the crap i've left behind.
i was wrong to think that when i came to college all my problems from the summer would go away. all i did was bottle them up inside until i couldn't take it anymore. and now, i find myself feeling like im in middle school again, pretending im happy and that life is swell when really all i want to do is curl up in a ball. i refuse to be pathetic this semester but after two days of trying i am already exhausted. im tired of hiding from myself. what i need to do is find some space of my own and just sit and face god. i need to face him like i did before all this lighthouse and the well crap. i need to just sit and look him straight in the eye and lay it all out on the table. maybe then, i can begin to listen to myslef and sort everything out. and then maybe i finally take what is mine. and live happy and breathe freely again. maybe.