but there are too many damn boys in my life.

i am so confused. but i guess the only thing that really matters is the one i really like. and that would be...... i dont really feel like telling it to the world. and its not like it really matters because its not like im that attractive. i mean if you ask me, i could use a lot of work. but i dont know. people put ideas in my head, and because they're pleasant ones, i run with them. oh well.

today your eyes were so green they matched your shirt. i didnt tell you, but i wanted to. it was absolutely the most beautiful color i have ever seen. :-D ok so i'm a little hopped up on caffiene right now, im trying to stay up to study. ha! like that will happen. i feel like such a slacker.

damnit erin! you need to buckle down, get studying. do all your work!

I think, i just might die.

meh!

I hate my life. honestly folks. how many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb??? that's right, not that many.
oh man this has got to be my year from hell. first my grandpa dies, then my sister's baby is going through some pretty serious complications, then my grandma ends up in the emergency room of the hospital. and through all of this, my aunt has been completely oblivious to the fact that she is a bitch and is taking super advantage of my parents, not only using them but using her own mother. then throwing it in their faces when they have so much other shit going on that she, no matter how evil and rotten she can make herself seem, is still going to do exactly what she wants to and feels like doing. she seriously pisses me off.
aside from that, im pretty happy. and i think that im only happy because of what im going to call the retrospect effect. looking back on this summer, i am happy that its over, so now looking at what my family is going through, i am happy that i am not there and can shelter myself from it. people may think that im being cold and unfeeling, but really, i am feeling everything my family is feeling. i am going through everything they are going through. i am with them every step of the way. im just not there, im here. and for that, im very thankful. because its for that reason that i went away to school. so that i could take myself away from the stress and drama of my family and find my own way to cope. it may turn out that i really cant cope and that when i go home, all my walls will be shot down, but as far as right now is concerned, i'm doing pretty good. i am pretty happy because i can take myself out of that world whenever i want. i can choose whether or not i am going to pay attention to the feelings i have about my family or whether i am going to pay attention to my studies and focus solely on that.
and i know this seems selfish. but its what i need to do. because if i dont do this, i will never know who i really am or who i can be. all i will know is pain. and this freedom of choice opens me up to happiness because i can choose whether or not i am going to focus on the pain. of course, the pain is still there. i'm just ignoring it for the moment. but there are times when i can't get away from it. times i feel so lonely i feel like breaking down and crying right where i'm standing. but as time goes by, little by little im beginning to form my defense and work my way through the pain, so that hopefully one day, i will be able to smile even though it feels as if my insides are caving in. so that maybe instead of finally outrunning it, i have defeated it.